Couples Therapy
by Randomus Prime
Summary: You think fighting enemy factions was bad enough? Wait until you see what problems these couples have to deal with. Honestly, whoever said relationships were easy? Major doses of crack, slash, "shrink going mad" syndrome
1. Chapter 1

Couples Therapy: Sounds We Like To Hear

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Hey, everyone! Guess what! Yet another series is here! Giant robots that can transform into Earth stuff are having some issues with their loved ones and who is there to help them out? The psychologist Smokescreen!**

**One day C.M.D. and me were hanging out at a library and just talking about stuff, applying final touches to ScrewLoose when an idea struck me, why not have couples from Generation One go see Smokescreen? I see how it may not make that much sense ... but you should have seen her reaction to the idea! Priceless.**

**In any case, eventually I finally got down to writing the first chapter of this series and there you have it! Later I came up with the idea of group couples therapy so you should expect that come sometime soon in this series!**

**For now, enjoy the very first chapter!**

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><p>"Hmm."<p>

"Hmpf."

"Hrrmmf."

This was getting ridiculous... Two of the most noise-producing mechs to ever live were sitting there, angrily making incomprehensible noises at one another, while each was looking in their own direction.

"Bluestreak …"

"I am not talking to him! He just doesn't know when to shut up!"

"SAY WHAT?"

"Blaster, calm do…"

"You heard me! You just don't know shut up!"

"Wh…" The boom box's optics were nearly popping out of their sockets, "I dunno when to shut up?"

"No, you don't!" The car turned to the red mech with arms still crossed on his chest, "And what's more, you have no tact, no style of your own …"

Smokescreen turned off his audio receptors; even on their lowest setting it was still impossible to listen to this conversation. Face-palming, leaning back in his chair and putting his leg over the other, he was giving his mind a short respite in face of the source of the accusations.

"… wha'? You think you're any better? You …"

"… I am considerate and always let people speak! It is called manners …"

The psychologist was finding it increasingly hard to not slap his servo on his faceplates and cry. There was no way he could allow this to continue.

"… all right, both of you: one at a time. Here," the Datsun stood up, rolled over a board, took out a marker and drew a table, "Let's break all of this down. These two columns will be things that you like about Blaster and these two columns will be things you like about Bluestreak …"

"Is all of this really necessary?" The gunner's doorwings were projecting an aura of annoyance in the whole room, "Blaster just needs to stop behaving like a child!"

"I NEED TO …" the Communications Officer jumped from his seat and stared as Bluestreak continued:

"FINALLY!" The Datsun 280Z threw his hands up in the air, before putting them on his hips, "He finally agrees! Finally we are having progress here!"

Smokescreen thought of himself as a professional; offlining his optics, he slowly began counting to ten.

"You …," the C.O. stood there with his mouth open and jaw slightly moving, trying to birth a sentence, "… you … are IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Oh, I am impossible?"

"YES!"

"I am not the one who wakes up our neighbors in the middle of the night …"

"You never stop talkin'!"

"Well maybe I would stop if you ever let me finish a sentence …"

"There! I let you finish a sentence!"

"… for once in your life!"

"Oh, you did that on purpose, didn't you?"

"No, you did that on purpose!"

"How … what the slag is wrong with you?"

"There is always something wrong with me, just me …"

"Oh, so you admit it?"

"You didn't let me finish the sentence in the first place! Oh, dear, how did …"

"Doesn't feel good when you are interrupted, huh?"

"Excuse me? When did I ever …"

"Just a few seconds ago!"

"Stop interrupting me!"

"Both of you! For the love of Cybertron! STOP!" The gambler finally couldn't let this go on. Nothing would get done if he did. "Good! Now, please, both of you, sit down; if you want some water or energon, they are right on this table. Please, try to calm down. We are going to talk out this entire mess and see what exactly is wrong. You two following me so far?"

"Yeah."

"Yes."

"Now, Bluestreak, tell me one thing that you like about Blaster and one thing that you do not like about him and Blaster, you are not allowed to say anything, got it?"

"Yeah."

"All right, Bluestreak, take it away."

"I don't like how Blaster keeps interrupting me."

"And now something you like about him?"

"He, um," the gunner shied away from answering for a few short moments, before he produced a grunt and continued, "I like the sound of his voice."

"All right, now, Blaster: your turn."

"I don't like it how Bluestreak says that he lets everybody have a turn at saying something even though he is the only one talking all the time."

"All right, and the other thing?"

"I, eh, he, um, loyal."

"All right. From what I saw so far, as, um, unbelievable as it will sound, both of you are lacking in communication. More importantly, listening to one another. Now, Bluestreak, you do know that you can, at times, talk non-stop for hours?"

"Well …"

"Come on, Bluestreak!"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Good! Now, Blaster, you, you do understand how discouraging and frightening it can be when you turn on your music at times?"

"I just want …"

"No, Blaster, relax. Just yes or no."

"Yes."

"Now, why do you think you do what you do? Talking a lot and not really listening to what other people say?"

"Well …"

"It could be that …"

"Guys, I am begging you! You two are very cute together and you probably weren't made for one another, but you can alter yourselves for each other. That is some of the greatest commitments in existence! Or look at it this way, you two obviously care for one another otherwise you wouldn't be here, am I wrong?"

"No."

"Nope."

"Guys, maybe it is time to stop fighting and time to start talking and listening - as annoying as it may get sometimes. However, I'm sure both of you will realize how much you love to hear the other talking about their day, sharing experiences, so on and so forth once you do. I can only help you two so much; the ones who can truly help you, are yourselves."

"Well, maybe I did get quite, um, erratic."

"I need to work on mine too."

"See? Wasn't that nice? No screaming, no nothing but you two talking in a calm voice and sharing some information. Now, here is what I would do if I were in your place: march straight out of this office, ask for a few days off, stock up on energon and begin talking about yourselves. Things like what made you into the mechs that you are today. Can I trust you with that?"

"Yeah."

"Yes."

"Good! Good! Here is something to get you two started: Blaster, do you want to be heard? Why? Blustreak, where is your family? What happened to them?"

Watching the two leave the room, hand in hand, Smokescreen leaned back in his chair, grinning smugly.

"Heh, Datsun 280Z is not as good as Datsun 280X. Why? Easy: "X" marks the spot and I am as good as the riches are gonna get."

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**One of the challenges in this series is going to be, obviously, the psychological components for me to write about, I mean despite me studying psychology in my nursing program it is still just one course however I do have a strong belief that I am doing a good job because most of these cases are taken from personal experience, some I have been part of, some I have been witness, in some I was in the splash zone.**

**I am hoping that people upon reading a few of these will be able to learn a thing or two about relationships, I don;t know abut you people, but I like it when a couple gets together and they work on the relationship, keeping it alive and blooming! Aren't we all looking for that special someone?**

**I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! More will come soon!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Couples Therapy: In Case of an Emergency**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Chapter 2 is up people!**

**With this one, I had a load of fun to tell you the truth, why? Well, in order to recreate the characters such as Red Alert, I had to step inside them, think like a paranoiac, act like one too. I got to tell you, it was really fun on the side of scary, bowel voiding, frightening and did I mention it was scary? I would like to think I managed to do it successfully.**

**With every chapter I write I come to feel worse for Smokescreen, he has to deal with our favorite characters each insane in their own beautiful way!**

**A huge thanks to Ladyofthedrgns and Darkeyes17 for reviewing! I will take your suggestions into consideration! I do feel obligated to point out that I have actually more or less figured out most of the couples I will be doing. I may write some extra appointments but only after I am done with my ideas because, as you will see, there is a little bit of a story involved with these!**

**If anybody wants to write up their own couples therapy appointments, feel free to do so! You can send me a personal message and we could discuss it too! I promise I won't throw Freud at you ... at first ...**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>"Relax, will ya!"<p>

"THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT?"

"Huh?"

"You want me to drop my guard down so that you could kill me! Or kidnap me! Or murder me! Or disembowel me! Or sell me to Swindle for a pack of pop-coils! Or rape me!"

Smokescreen always wondered how in the universe they could possibly beat the Decepticons every single time, with the assortment of mechs they had in the Autobot ranks. Wheeljack, Bluestreak, First Aid, Blades, Tracks... the list of insanity just went on!

"_Damn_," the psychologist thought, "_Optimus is one hell of a leader if he can make all of us work so efficiently …_"

There he was, one of the transformers that made everybody wonder, how, just … how?

"Red! List'n ter me!"

"Why should I listen to you? For all I know you could be a Decepticon spy!"

"Who in the blazes e'er tell you that?"

"Cliffjumper!"

"All right, let us begin …" Smokescreen thought he would bring in some order but was horribly mistaken.

"How d'ya know that Cliffjumper ain't a Decepticon spy?"

"_… frag …_" Inn his mind, the Datsun face-palmed.

"Wh-wh-wh-WHAT?" Red Alert's optics widened so much and jaw dropped so low that the other two thought his face would break.

"Inferno! Why the frag did you do that?"

"BY CYBERTRON! YOU ARE RIGHT! HE COULD BE A DECEPTICON!"

"Wha'? Whatai do? See? I ain't a Decepticon spy!"

"THAT DOESN'T PROVE IT! YOU COULD BE SAYING TO SWAY ALL SUSPICION OFF OF YOU!" The security officer jumped off the chair and ran to the door.

"… told you … wait, where are you going?"

"THIS IS ALL A CONSPIRACY!"

"Red! Stop! Wher' ya goin'?" Inferno jumped up from his seat and ran towards the lamborghini but it only made Red Alert more scared, screaming as he ran out into the hall. "Smokes! We 'otta go after 'im!"

"Inferno! Don't you get it?"

"Get what?"

"Urgh, all right, can you connect to him?"

"Um, ya."

"All right, give me the password."

"Huh?"

"Doctor-patient confidentiality; none of the information given to me will be communicated to anyone else."

"Yer ain't no doc …"

"I could scar you for life in a matter of seconds using Freud's theories or you could give me the passwords to your comm with Red Alert and stop him from doing something epicly stupid. Your choice."

"Grgh, 'ere."

"Thank you." Smokescreen received the keys to their wireless connection and tapped into it, "This is Smokescreen …"

"**HOW DID YOU GET MY PASSWORDS?**"

"Red Alert, I am not going to tell you that I am your friend …"

"**YOU ARE GOING TO SEND ME A VIRUS!**"

"No! Here! Here is full access to my software!"

"**Wh… what?**" It took a minute for the security officer to realize that Smokescreen really did allow him full access to all of the psychologist's coding.

"Um, Smokes, whatter ya doin'?"

"Trust me."

"Um," Inferno leaned a tad bit away form the Datsun but finally decided to trust the professional, "Fine."

"Red Alert, take your time …"

"**Why did you do that?**"

"Because I trust you."

"Huh? Why?"

"Red, over the years that we served together, yes, we had our disputes …"

"**Like the time when you threw Energon'O's in my face!**"

"Yes, like that time I got drunk on breaking liquid. Yes, we had our problems …"

"**You freak the frag out of me!**"

"…" Smokescreen couldn't help but feel a little hurt by that. "Excuse me?"

"**Yes! You are always sneaking around, all smiling and happy and smiling and tell everything to Optimus!**"

"Red, I have to keep tabs on everybody's psychological well-being! It is the same as Ratchet's routine check-ups!"

"**He scares the slag out of me too!**"

"And how many times did he save your life?"

"**…**"

"Red, I am not going to tell you what to think or do …"

"_We both know it is useless and makes you act like a fragging drama queen …_"

"**Hey! I heard that!**"

"… I will let you decide for yourself! I am asking you, I repeat, I am asking you -not telling you- asking you -not screaming at you at gun point- asking you to look at what we: Inferno, Ratchet and me did over the years."

"**Huh?**"

"Every single time you needed a fix, Ratchet was there to patch you up, am I wrong?"

"**There was this one time when he put on surgical gloves and left no fingerprints behind!**"

"An' how didya come out of that surgery, huh Red?"

"… _frag …_"

"**Did I come out of it? OH SLAG! WHAT IF THIS IS ALL A DREAM! What if I am at the Decepticon base being experimented upon?**"

"Inferno!" Smokescreen turned to the firetruck with intense anger in his optics, "I am trying to help him!"

"Er …"

"**No! This can't be a dream! Everything feels real …**"

"Phew …"

"**… unless this is what you want me to think!**"

"Cybertron damn it! Red! Is this all real? Is this all fake? This could all be some sort of a dream where we think we are sentient but really we are not!"

"**Oh, slag!**"

"Or it could be the real deal or it could be anything else! Red! I cannot help you!"

"**Huh? What kind of a psychologist are you?**"

"The only person that can help you, is you!"

"**Huh?**"

"Red, everything you perceive, everything you think, everything you are, it all developed with the experiences you have since the day you began forming …"

"**Why are you telling me this?**"

"… and with all the things that happened to you, all the experiences, at some point you realized that something was missing …"

"**What are you getting at?**"

"Red, what I am saying is that we all have it."

"**Have what?**"

"Have that something that is missing."

"**Huh? What?**"

"Red, I too, want to find someone I can trust," Smokescreen took a few deep breaths and slowly continued, falling into a sort of meditative state as he drew up buried emotions; the recollections leaving him feeling slightly chilled just about his spark and hot just behind the optics. "Someone I can depend on no matter what, someone that will be there for me, someone who will do whatever they possibly can and far beyond. Someone I can be there for, care for, someone for whom I will want to go beyond my limits. As much as we like to ignore it or bury it under piles of other problems, that someone is not something anyone can live without for the rest of their lives."

"Whoa, Smokes, I didn' know ya were so …"

"I am not saying that it is Inferno that is that person …"

"Hey!"

"… but he sure as hell wants to be with you!"

"Damn straight, slagger!"

"**Oh …**"

"He is willing to change for you! He wants to give you reasons to smile! To feel comfortable! At peace!"

"**… but Cliffjumper …**"

"Red, think about it, Cliffjumper claims that everybody is a traitor. Remember how he called himself a traitor when he was drunk?"

"**Yes.**"

"Did that make any sense what so ever?"

"**He could have been confessing!**"

"And yet he would have given up his life for Mirage! The mech that he was sure to be a traitor!"

"**…**"

"Now think back to all your times with Inferno, has he ever betrayed you? Has he ever let you down?"

"**N-n-no.**"

"Tha's right!"

"No, no, Red, think harder; think. Did anything that he's done make you feel bad?"

"**Um, well, he leaves the oil on the fridge door …**"

"Right, what else?" Smokescreen turned to Inferno, "And you be quiet, let him talk."

"Grhmpf, fine." The fire truck pouted.

"**He wore my underwear without my permission …**"

"Grrrrmmmm."

"Yes, yes, there is gotta be more!"

"**Why are we doing this, Smokescreen?**"

"Red, the problem, from my perspective, is communication."

"Wha'?"

"**Huh?**"

"Just hear me out. You are paranoid because you are afraid of getting hurt; it is your defense mechanism that disallows you to come to trust people easily thus preventing you from getting hurt."

"Hm."

"**Huh.**"

"And The Great War only made it worse. Yes, Red, I am not going to hide the fact that some of our most trusted friends can stab us in the back. Remember when you were going completely crazy and worked with Starscream for a short while?"

"**Yes.**"

"Red, none of us, not a single one of us gave up on you. Inferno put himself in harm's way, just to save you from that fire. If he wanted you dead, he would have left you there! If he didn't want to hang out with you, he wouldn't! If he didn't want to be in a relationship with you, he would have never gotten into it to begin with!"

"**He could be a spy!**"

"Or he could genuinely care for you."

"…"

"Inferno, I think it is time for your relationship with Red Alert to step to a new height."

"Yeah, I think yer righ'. Red! I'm allowin' ye full access ta mai codin' 'n' full control o' my hardware!"

"**What?**"

"There ye have it!"

"What? Inferno …" The security officer fell silent for a very long time.

"Huh? What are ye …" the fire truck suddenly felt Red Alert do the same thing, "STOP!"

"**What? WHY?**"

"Please! Don' you do things because yer feel obligated to! This ain't Ick-Yak see Ick-Yak do! Yer know how insultin' that is?"

"**Inferno!**"

"NO! RED! YOU DON' COMMIT 'CAUSE YOU FEEL OBLIGATED! You …" the fire truck paused for a second and then with a much calmer voice continued as he began nervously playing with his gunhand, lip components trembling like the last leaf in autumn, "Honestly, tell me, ar' ya honestly feelin' comfortable with this? Do ya really trust me? It hurts ya know!"

"**Oh, sorry, I did not realize that you felt like this way …**"

"Ya ain't the only one with problems ya know! How ya think I feel when ya goin' 'round doin' slag like that?" Inferno was almost on the verge of tears when he said those last words.

"**Inferno! I am sorry!"**

"I am sorry too! If th're's anythin' tha'z botherin' ya, jus' tell me! We'll talk 'bout it and figure somethin' out!"

"**Together.**"

"Yeah," a sole tear dripped down his faceplates as he joyously smiled, optics closed and mouth open a little bit, "Together. "

"**Can you come get me?**"

"Where are you?"

"**I don't know …**"

"Haha! Red! I love ya!"

"**I …"** The car paused for a short moment; both mechs on the other end of the line could feel him produce a calm smile as the turmoil in his mind gradually began subsiding, **"I love you more."**

"Ain't possible! Let's go look for 'im!"

"Wish I could help you, Inferno, however I have another couple coming in just a few mini-cycles."

"Thanks, doc!"

"I am not a doctor."

"Heh?"

"I am a psychologist," Smokescreen said as he lightly bowed, "At your service."

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><p>"Red?"<p>

It didn't take long for the red mech to figure out that Red Alert would be hiding in a closet. The question was: which one? The size of the Ark did not help; even partially destroyed it still presented itself to be a huge facility.

"Red? Wher' are ya?"

He didn't mind it as irritating as it would have been at any other time. Inferno was in love. The fire truck would have spent an eternity looking for Red Alert throughout the universe if there was the slightest, faintest chance of ever seeing the one he cared about most. He would go through the torture and pain fully knowing that they would constitute nothing of themselves compared to the smallest fraction of happiness he felt when Red Alert was up in his arms again.

"Red! Red!"

"I am here!"

Inferno opened the door into the dark closet and made a few steps inside of it, looking for the light switch. Not that he really had to.

"Red!"

The security officer's head lights were still going off but were strangely dim, as if covered by something.

"Red?"

"Inferno!"

"Red!" The fire truck finally turned on the lights and saw his beloved sitting in the corner with … something brown over his head. "Red?"

"Inferno!" The car lifted up the big brown thing covering his head, optics filled with hope and joy as he jumped up and glomped his loved one, "Inferno!"

"Red! I am so glad to see you!"

"Not as much as I am!"

"Ah," For a while they just stood there, in each other's servos, hugging, silently enjoying the warmth. Eventually Inferno asked, "So, what is this brown thing?"

"Oh!" Red Alert bent over and grabbed 'the brown thing', "This is my bag!"

Then he gave the warmest smile, squinting and slightly tilting his head:

"Here! Have it! In case of an emergency!"

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, there you have it! Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Remember! If you are stuck, do something random! It always helped me! How do you think I beat all my opponents in chess or resolve complex issues?**

**If you think that certain things in the psychology don't work, you are more than welcome to leave a comment or pm me and we shall discuss it at length! Maybe even learn from each other! I would very appreciate if it would be constructive criticism.**

**If you have any requests as to which couples you want to see at these appointments, again, pm me and we shall discuss it although I would strongly encourage you to bring your ideas to life with your hands! Come on! it is not actually that scary, especially if you pop anti-depressants like candy on Halloween and cover them up with alcohol!**

**Thanks a bunch to C.M.D. for editing, reviewing and contributing a number of ideas of her own!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Couples Therapy: I am a Special Someone?**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**Well, chapter 3!**

**Thanks a lot to Darkeyes17 , Alluise and MyNameIsJag for commenting! Hehehe!**

**I like it when people fall in love, I like it when people begin filling those holes by being dedicated to and by dedicating themselves to that special someone. I also like the smell of problems in the air! Not in the morning, I hate the smell of problems in the morning! Mornings should start off nice and fluffy and cute and puffy otherwise it may take a long time to get back into a good mood and the next thing you know, there you are, in bed, wondering where the whole day went.**

**I don't know, maybe it is a phase I am going through, maybe it is something else (I am VERY sure it is NOT a phase) but just something clicks inside of me when I am put in front of a problem (someone else's problem) and I must fix it. The rush of angst! The emotional turmoil! The questions, the confusion, the possible future that make your spine grow cold and heart shrivel in fear, a dark hand gripping your very soul, freezing you to the bone, we all feel it at some point.**

**I wonder, have any of the Transformers felt a similar way?**

**In any case, I like solving very complex problems and I got to say, considering that over 20 couples that came to me for help are together, happier than ever, living their lives to reach new heights, I think I am entitled to say that I know a thing or two about these things, not as much as couples as helping people put their minds back together and willing to listen to what I have to say. I am not saying I am the best or I am professional at this but a number of people still thank me now and then for all the psychological help I provided.**

**I ... blab ... in any case, this fic ... I read it over and I thought I should tweak it a little bit more to clarify as to who speaks.**

**I hope you will enjoy it!**

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><p>Smokescreen didn't say much about his "underground" life, with gambling and all. He didn't see anything wrong with the things he did, neither did he mind the "slightly" illegal stuff he sometimes dabbled with, but this was a clear breach of protocol.<p>

"So for how long has this been going on?"

"Well," Hot Rod looked at Ultra Magnus with a hint of irritation on his faceplates, "Like a few days after I was assigned here …"

"A few days since you were assigned here?"

"Yeah, why?"

"And you allowed this to happen?" The Datsun turned to the commander.

"Yes, I do realize that …"

"It is not just against protocol! You! You of all mechs in the universe to go against the rules …"

"I know."

"It is like Wheeljack making something that doesn't explode or malfunction!"

"I know."

"It's like Hound and Mirage interfacing without dirt!"

"I know."

"It's like Springer actually doing something for a change!"

"I know."

"It's like Grimlock and Kup refusing to drink!"

"I know."

"Holy slag," the psychologist got off his chair and began pacing around the room, "I am sorry, I will need a minute to digest this. I am a tad bit tired because the moron that lives above me won't stop epicly failing at playing their guitar all night."

"So I am guessing that came as a surprise to you …"

"Yes, thank you, Hot Rod, for stating the obvious. How could we have ever gotten along without your astonishing powers, Captain Obvious?"

"Smokescreen, let's get down to business."

"Fine! Holy smokes. All right, so, what seems to be the problem?"

"Maggy doesn't …" the car slowly began answering the question.

"I am sorry -Maggy?"

"Yes, it's a nickname …"

"You got nicknames?"

"Ya, he is Maggy and I am Hotty!"

"You? Hotty? You?"

"Yes. Why is this so hard to believe?"

"Ultra Magnus, have you ever called Hot Rod 'Hotty'?"

"Um …" the commander hesitated to answer.

"I am sorry I just want to hear you call him that."

"Hotty."

"Well, I don't think I will be sleeping tonight."

"Like I was saying! Maggy doesn't appreciate my youthful spirit!"

"Hot Rod," the truck turned to the car, "You call making a clown out of yourself a youthful spirit?"

"You just don't understand it 'cause you're old!"

"Whoa …" Smokescreen leaned away from the two.

"Excuse me?"

"That's right! You are old!"

"Yes, I am old, you are young -what does that have to do with anything?"

"Like, you don't understand!"

"Understand what, exactly?"

"That what I do is a way for me to express myself!"

"So eating a whole batch of Mechtos, chugging down a few gallons of Cyber-Cola and then throwing up all over me was your way to express yourself?"

"What? When was that?"

"That was an accident!"

"Or when you stamped 'Hotty' in separate letters on your aft?"

"… freaky …"

"Hey! You said you liked it!"

"And what about the time when you poured a bucket of spicy energon over Huffer when he was in the washroom doing his business?"

"It's Huffer! Who cares?"

"So you were expressing your inner self when you dropped a doll of a human baby in the washroom, pouring a whole bottle of red energon coloring over it?"

"That was clearly a fake!"

"That was you?" The Datsun jumped from his seat. "I had to sit through 10 therapy sessions with Red Alert because of your stupid aft?"

"Um …"

"I am scared to go to the freaking washroom now!," He screamed out, restraining himself from beating the orange mech.

"Explain to me, was it from the desire to express yourself that you tried lighting your farts on fire with a flamethrower?"

"You got issues …"

"Well, excuse me that you don't get it!"

"Get that you have a sensitive side when you told people that you have herpes and kissed them?"

"I knew he was lying!"

"Um, I am sorry, ok?" with his voice getting squeaky, the car turned away from the two.

"And what about …"

"Ultra Magnus, stop."

"Hm, fine."

"All right, now …"

"You guys just don't understand!" Hot Rod's voice got more unstable with every word he said.

"Eh," Smokescreen wasn't sure how to tackle this, "Hm, when did you start doing these things?"

"Ever since I was a little boy."

"Hm, tell me about your family."

"Huh?"

"Your family."

"Oh, um, I had a mom and dad."

"Any siblings?"

"No."

"So you are the lone child?"

"Yes."

"Tell me of your relationship with mom and dad."

"I, um," he stopped for a few seconds, intensely staring on one spot in the wall, "I was never really close to them."

"Right, go on."

"I don't know, we just never really connected, you know? It's like, I was doing my own thing and they were doing theirs."

"Would you say that you felt like they weren't paying enough attention to you?"

"Um, now that I think about it, I guess."

"An example?"

"Well, hm," Hot Rod turned to them and leaned on his hands, "When I was recruited into the army they didn't really react like anything. Just a 'good for you, son' and that's pretty much it."

"Oh."

"I don't think they were listening to begin with …"

"All right, getting back to your 'expression' of self deal, what did you do the first time?"

"I put on a protective suit, poured glue over beehives and threw them at people."

"THAT WAS YOU?" Both Ultra Magnus and Smokescreen leaped from their seats and screamed out in perfect sync, "WHAT THE FRAG?"

"Oh, so I am guessing you two …"

"YES!"

"Sorry?"

"URGH!"

"Do you have any idea for how long I had to stay at home until all those bites healed?" The Datsun shivered at the memory.

"I missed Transklonkers Con!"

"I AM SORRY, OK?" the orange car again turned around, voice getting high pitched again.

"Why did you do it?"

"I was bored, ok?"

"Did you get caught?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"A couple of mechs sprayed me with pink paint all over; I couldn't see anything."

"Did you get in trouble?"

"What do you think?"

"Yes, I know that you did but with whom exactly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, um, authorities, people, your parents?"

"Oh, um, Prowl took me to the police station."

"Anything else? What about the random people?"

"Well, of course they were yelling at me."

"How did that feel?"

"Um …"

"A tiny bit satisfactory or bad?"

"Hm, I guess there was a tiny bit of satisfaction there."

"All right, what about your parents?"

"They just picked me up from the office and took me home."

"They didn't say anything at all?"

"Well, dad said that I am trying to find a way to express myself."

"Oh, so this is what you think you have been doing?"

"Hey! Give me some slack, will ya? And yes, that is exactly what I am doing!"

"Hot Rod!" Ultra Magnus stepped into the conversation, "Oh, you poor thing!"

"What? I am not poor!"

"Wait, wait, wait wait."

"What?"

"After I am done with him, you are next."

"All right."

"Perhaps you have been doing these things not to express yourself, per say," Smokescreen was waving his hands slightly around, "But instead to attract attention?"

"Um, what do you mean?"

"Well, you said it yourself, you eel that your parents haven't shown much interest in you, right?"

"Yes."

"So, what if by doing things like sneaking pages from porn magazines into everybody's text books or dropping blow-up opticballs in everybody's energon rations, you were trying to get attention from your parents?"

"Um," it took him a while to think but finally he uttered, "I never thought about it that way."

"Now, I will ask you a few questions about Ultra Magnus."

"All right."

"Do you think that Ultra Magnus is not giving you enough attention?"

"Well …"

"I do all I can, Hot Rod," the truck leaned forward, "Sometimes it just doesn't go the way it was planned. I am sorry."

"Um, no, it's not your fault, I mean, um," Hot Rod paused another time, "We gotta keep our relationship secret otherwise we will both be facing court-martial …"

"I don't think you understand that all to well …"

"What, you saying that I don't know what I am talking about?"

"What he is saying is that you are probably not fully aware of the consequences that would follow if people found out."

"Uh-huh …"

"And you, Ultra Magnus …"

"What about me?"

"Yeah, what about him?"

"You are a soldier, you are a commander; you have lived for millions of years, fought in thousands of battles, gained incredible experience in battle and life, no?"

"Well, I try."

"Have you ever seen anything been done without some sort of a reason behind it?"

"Hm, I suppose I haven't."

"What about Hot Rod? Have you thought that perhaps he wasn't doing it just to be unique when our beloved moron …"

"Hey!"

"… threw cans filled with plasma ants at people?"

"I thought that was funny," the orange mech grumbled.

"No, I have not."

"Well, should I really continue or can you two take it from here?"

"Huh?"

"I am sorry?"

"Hm, ok, you, Hot Rod, want attention from your loved ones by doing random retarded crap and you, Ultra Magnus, never thought that there is more to Hot Rod than you what you knew."

"What can we do?"

"What can you suggest us?"

"Well, try to spend more time with each other. Instead of pulling whatever the frag you call those things, Hot Rod, you should try to free up your schedule and be available to hang out with Ultra Magnus anytime. You, Ultra Magnus," Smokescreen turned to the huge Autobot, "Should realize that your life of a soldier is over."

"What?"

"You heard me! Now you have Hot Rod in your life! Don't you think he deserves a little more attention than new recruits and combat training?"

"… but …"

"Yes, yes, I know it is important but let others handle it! Jeez! Ultra Magnus, you are not alone in the world! You can't call people your friends if you don't let them take some of your weight; you do not have to be a martyr, you have someone in your life! Spend some time with them! You told me yourself some time ago how empty your life was before you met that special someone …"

"I am a special someone? Aw, Maggy!" The car quickly walked to the truck and sat on his lap, giving him a smooch on the cheek, "Aww."

"… enjoy life now that you have it!"

"I will."

"All right, now go you two nutcases. Red Alert is coming in for someone hanging opticballs all over the base with a tiny piece of paper saying 'Eye am watching you.' It wasn't you by any chance?"

"Nope! Hey, Maggy!" Hot Rod dug himself into the sub commander's shoulders as they walked out, "Let's go to my place! I will let you play my guitar all night long …"

"IT WAS YOU?" the psychologist sprung from his seat, ready to reduce the orange mech to a metallic pulp.

"RUN!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, there you have it, chapter 3!**

**I am hoping to post chapter four sometime soon and the weekly LT issue along with it (I will try today after my exam, on which, if I get less than 75%, they will fail me for the whole semester of the nursing program! Woohoo! Good thing I still have over 6 hours to prepare, I just need to remember the sequence of examining Ears, Nose, Sinuses, Mouth and Throat, ask the needed health history questions, talk about what I would normally expect to find, what I would expect to find in terms of other races, different aged individual, what we shouldn't find in a healthy patient, I can go on ... and the best part is I will need to do it in under 15 minutes otherwise ... they fail me ... I don't mind, I studied *should have studied more though* I remember most of the material, some of it will come back to me, my teachers are nice, they will let me have a couple of freebies if I make my cute face *yes, I am a straight guy and I have a cute face, shut up*, I hope they will ask me for Motor/Reflexes examination because that one is THE EASIEST ... most of I just need to tell the patient what to do and when they do it all I have to do is pretend I care! Do note, I will need to perform ONE of FIVE physical examinations ...) by the end of today or, the latest, Tuesday night.**

**In my experience before getting into actually learning psychology in an academic institution, I found that a HUGE load of problems comes from unresolved issues with the parents or lack of such figure(s) in life. I also find a lot of people agreeing with me once I tell them but I doubt that they actually knew it before because later they begin coming to me with their problems ... like, seriously? Who the hell were they kidding when they said that they knew it too? Talk to your parents, see if you got anything going on there! Just don't go freaking berserk on them ...**

**I like Ultra Magnus, he is a great character but he kind of loses his awesomeness after the movie ...**

**Hot Rod, I hate Hot Rod with an irrational burning passion, but I still try to be nice to him ...**

**This couple gives me enough material to work with for a whole session, I do not think I will come back to them but we shall see! If you want to write your own appointments, go ahead!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Couples_ _Therapy: You are not a Sex Toy_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Thank you everyone who has commented!**

**I know I have been away for quite sometime, I am sorry, my nursing program is very demanding and I do not have the time for anything much other than studying.**

**In any case, chapter four is up!**

**On this one I decided to write a therapy session on one of my favorite couples - Soundwave and Tracks - practically an almost never-ending goldmine of humor the way I see it. I do not think I will be returning to them any time soon but you never know, maybe once I am done with the main story of this series I may come up with more. You will more than likely see them, however, a little later in this series being referred to or ... well ... I am not quite sure yet to be honest ...**

**I would imagine this kind of relationship (Autobot x Decepticon) would create a huge load of problems between the two and I am not talking about mere faction tension or logistics. ****I wonder if Smokescreen will have a heart attack ...**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>"So, Tracks, what is it that you wanted to show me?"<p>

Smokescreen was in fairly good relations with everyone on The Ark, at least that was his aim. In some cases he succeeded, making yet another 'bot happy, up and functional, but in other cases... not so much. Tracks was one of those other cases.

It's not like they were hostile towards each other, however certain sparks did fly through the air now and then:

"How can you possibly stand the smoke you make? That is not too good for your paint job! Or wax!"

"Eh, Tracks, it doesn't matter, it is just smoke …"

"Yeah, well, you say that now but wait till you actually see the effects!"

"Uh-huh …"

"And how is anyone supposed to admire my glorious form if you keep doing that?"

"So, this is your biggest concern? No, no, please, forget about the Decepticons shooting us, why don't we make the job easier for them by getting out of cover and striking some sexy poses so that they fall in shock and awe …"

"Now you are starting to think!"

"Thank goodness you are not our Prime …"

"Hey! I would make an excellent leader! With my dashing, breath stealing looks and overwhelmingly charming personality, all would bow down to the beauty that I am!"

"I hope you are joking …"

"Besides, not all of us are that gorgeous! Look at Huffer for example!"

"Didn't you two interface?"

"It was a one time thing! It didn't mean anything to either of us!"

"I get him every 2 days bawling his eyes out for 2 hours straight …"

"Oh, he is just pretending …"

What surprised the Datsun, however, was when the tricolored mech came up to him one day in the hallway, with a request to accompany him to a warehouse to show something "very special", just for Smokescreen.

"What is it?"

"Oh, you will see."

"Tracks …"

"Trust me, it's nothing bad. In fact, I think you would be very interested to see it."

"Any clues?"

"It is within your line of work."

"Uh-huh …"

"Now, come!"

"Tracks, you do realize that I have work to do?"

"You wouldn't have started walking with me towards the exit if you weren't interested at all."

"Huh? What?" Smokescreen looked around himself only to notice they were standing near the exit of the Ark, the bright day enlightening the desert planes, "Touché."

* * *

><p>"So, Tracks, what is it that you wanted to show me?"<p>

They drove for quite sometime, taking routes that he never drove on before; into an area he didn't even know existed, within a secluded, nearly unnoticeable valley.

"We are almost there, Smokescreen."

Driving or another minute in silence, the psychologist saw among the trees, not too far off into the distance, a building.

"What's that?"

"A warehouse."

"A warehouse?"

"A warehouse."

"Ok, I am guessing the thing you want to show me is in the warehouse."

"Yes!" Tracks drove up to the entrance and transformerd into robot mode, "Yes it is. Now, just, like, take a minute to prepare yourself."

"I prepared myself for this during the drive."

"Oh? All right then!" The tricolored mech slid his hands in the door cracks and slowly opened them, "Here we are!"

"Huh?" Smokescreen looked inside the huge building, light invading and banishing darkness from all the nearest nooks and crannies within. Inspecting the interior closer before entering, in a less shadowed corner area of the warehouse he saw a little part of a blue robot foot. "Got a friend here?"

"Of sorts, come in!" Tracks grabbed the Datsun by the hand and pulled him inside as he shut the doors behind them, "I promise he won't bite."

"That's, um, reassuring. Anybody I know?"

"Affirmative."

"YOU? AND YOU?"

"Affirmative."

"Smokescreen, I know this is a lot to take in …"

"A LOT TO TAKE IN? HE IS A DECEPTICON!"

"Well, we are still alive, aren't we?"

"A DECEPTICON!" Smokescreen couldn't stop waving his hands all around like a windmill, make mini tornadoes in the space of the facility.

"Request: please calm down …" the Communications Officer raised his servo and tried making a step forward.

"DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" Smokescreen on instinct took out his guns and aimed them at the blue mech, "DIE!"

"NO!" Tracks jumped in between Smokescreen and Soundwave, effectively throwing off the Datsun's aim.

"What are you doing?"

"Smokey! Please! We need your help!"

"Maybe Cliffjumper was right …"

"No! We are in a relationship!"

"Like I said before, bullshit …"

"Smokescreen! Please! Listen to me! Don't you think that the very fact that we are still alive and functioning is a testament to Soundwave? He even got rid of all his weapons and cassetticons!"

"Huh?," the psychologist took a closer look at the Decepticon, "huh …"

"Please, Smokescreen!"

"Eh," Switching his gaze back and forth from the two, he lowered his guns and growled, "Fine, sheesh …"

* * *

><p>"… so let me guess this straight, you two got together after you raping you?"<p>

"Yes."

"Affirmative."

"And this was back in …"

"Correct."

"Affirmative."

"And ever since you guys …"

"Have been sneaking out to spend time together, leaving the Ark under the pretext of appearances for charity. You know, raising our image."

"Answer: informing Megatron of attempt to gather intelligence."

"Uh-huh, so both of you were lying through your dental plate and mouth guard?"

"Yes."

"Affirmative."

"And how …"

"Oh, it is very hot! I mean, ho, ho, ho!" Tracks got off his chair and began lightly dancing, "It was glorious! And it gets better every time!"

"Designation: Tracks. Statement: I don't think Smokescreen is talking about sex …"

"… are you two able to get away with this?"

"Oh, oh, well, I will just strike a cute pose and show them my beatific face and the questions will just poof themselves out of existence!"

"Answer: proved loyalty to Megatron, Megatron does not question actions."

"Uh-huh. All right, so, what is the problem?"

"Well," both Tracks and Soundwave worryingly looked at each other, Smokescreen closely observing their every move, "We are …"

"Uneasy?" the Datsun supplied.

"Affirmative."

"Yes, we are very much uneasy."

"Inquiry: is this kind of a relationship even possible?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

"Well, we do have our differences …"

"Statement: differences do not always make relationships stronger."

"Oh, don't say that!"

"Fact: it is true."

"We are different and we are together!"

"Fact: not because we are Autobot and Decepticon."

"Well, that is how we met!"

"Fact: coincidence, flow of events."

"Oh, come on! Don't get all, like, this on me!"

"Fact: stating facts."

"Yeah, well, how about this! Fact: Soundwave is being a meany."

"Fact: fact is not a fact."

"Do you want to start this now?"

"Fact …" the Decepticon shivered, "slag no."

"Now, guys, wait," Smokescreen leaned in a little further, "Start what, a fight?"

"He just gets all, I don't know, all cynical and logical, and negative, and pessimistic, and overwhelming, and too attentive to all details, and stuff …"

"Do you even know what any of those words meant?"

"Fact: doubt it."

"What? Both of you think I am stupid?"

"No, just if you know what you are saying …"

"Fact: Tracks is not stupid."

"Well, you are just saying that! You are lying, aren't you?" The tricolored mech gasped. "You lied to me about that dress too!"

"Your what now?"

"Negative."

"Yes! Yes you did! How could anybody other than me possibly look good in that dress?"

"This conversation makes no sense …"

"Affirmative."

"Stop doing that! You!" Tracks pointed his finger at Soundwave. "Everyday I wake up I always think of you! How great you are, how attentive, how careful, how caring but sometimes I just don't understand what you are doing! Sometimes I am not even sure if you have feelings for me to begin with!"

"Fact: I do have feelings for you!"

"Yeah, well, why don't you tell that to Megatron when he is drunk or frustrated and wants to get some!"

"Fact: that is what Starscream is for."

"Oh, really? Well what about Shockwave making passes at you? Huh? That one eyed Cyclops strikes your fancy?"

"Negative. Fact: only Tracks strikes fancy."

"Don't think you will get out of this on compliments, you gorgeous sexyness! What about Thundercraker? He is so, touchy-feely, all the time with you! He wishes he was as good at cuddling as the dazzling thing that I am! What, you use him as a pillow when you miss me?"

"Negative. Fact: Tracks is the one and only pillow."

"Aw, you are so cute, I could just gobble you up!", the tricolored mech swooned at his love interest, "No! Wait! Really? I am the one and only?"

"Affirmative."

"Don't you tell me that I am the only one! I saw how you looked at Blaster!"

"Fact: was attempting to kill him."

"Right, kill him! Not tie him up next to me and have me watch how you rape him next!"

"Fact: hate Blaster."

"Oh, oh? Why do you hate him, love?"

"Answer: loud! Bad music!"

"Ah, I see …"

"Inquiry: are you jealous?"

"Me? Jealous? What are you talking about?"

"Well, Tracks, to be fair, that is how you were acting the whole time …"

"Oh, pish, what do you know! What are you, some sort of a psychologist?"

"… um, yea …"

"Oh, right …"

"Tracks, I wish I could tell you that you are tired but you are not. This is not stress."

"Stress? But we have been relieving it for hours before I came to get you!"

"Eh," Smokescreen drew himself away from the flying car, "Where?"

"Everywhere …"

"Uh-huh …"

"We used the chairs to help us out with a few positions …"

"What?" The Datsun jumped up from his seat and made a few steps back. "That is disgusting!"

"Sorry?"

"Freaking Cybertron. Ok, so, from what I heard, you guys really do care about each other; both of you are putting your careers at stake just to be together. Soundwave rejected a whole wave of …"

"I rejected everyone too, you know!"

"You were whining the other day that nobody hit on you for two weeks …"

"Well, that was the other day!"

"Whatever. You two obviously care for each other a lot, what I think you guys are missing is communication. Without good communication, no relationship will be able to work out!"

"Fact: agree."

"Hm, well, I guess the honeymoon is over, huh?"

"Yeah but now you will be getting into the real stuff!"

"You mean, more sex?"

"Um, getting to know each other better is more like it …"

"Inquiry: am I a sex toy to you?"

"What? No!"

"Well, you kinda did make it sound that way …"

"You are not a sex toy!"

"Inquiry: why do you always bring sex into things?"

"You raped me!"

"Fact: I do not bring it up every time I possibly can."

"Are you saying you don't want to have sex with me anymore?"

"Fact: never said that!"

"But you implied it!"

"Fact: not true!"

"Are you calling me a liar? If I am a liar, that makes me a bitch! Are you calling me a bitch?"

"Negative!"

"Now would be a very good time to communicate. Now if you will excuse me, I have to scream very loudly into a pillow…"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, there you go! I feel bad for Smokescreen ...**

**I had trouble with working out some of the dialog, actions and reactions but I think I did a fairly good job!**

**Most of the information is pretty easy to figure out like Tracks was raped by Soundwave, stuff like that, I had a load of help from C.M.D. since she was the one of the people who brought this couple out into light.**

**Sure, Tracks can be considered hopeless by some but I don't think so, he got teeth and he is not afraid to use them! **

**I hope it is fairly obvious as to who talks when ... I promise I will work on it ...**

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing, reviewing and laughing her aft off.**


End file.
